Destined 2 Be Strangers Once Again

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I thought it would be appropriate to have my first post be something, or someone rather, who’s been on my mind these past couple of months. It’s only been 4 months since I broke up with my ex…well he broke up with me. I won’t say the reason why we broke up, but this is our story…

We’ve known each other since 7th grade (about 10 years). Believe it or not I prayed for him. I know how it sounds, but I was in a new school, in a new country and I didn’t know anyone. So, I prayed for someone who will be my friend (bestfriend even), who also knows how to speak Tagalog, and preferably a guy. I’ve always wanted to have a guy bestfriend. It’s the idea of having someone who is more than a friend, but less than a boyfriend.  Someone who I can talk too about the most random stuff that goes on in my head. Before I knew it, he was right there standing at the door of my homeroom class. I expected us to be close, but that wasn’t the case. I was shy. He was shy. We didn’t talk to each other at all. He also had his own group of friends and he played basketball with them every chance he got.

It turned out he lived in the same apartment as us. He also became friends with my younger brother. Not before long, our families got close to each other along with some other Filipino families. They became our extended family here in Cali, which means we invite each other to parties and celebrations. Every gathering we saw each other, but weirdly enough we still didn’t talk to each other. I became close with everyone except him. When we do talk to each other, it was on Facebook or text message. He always asked me for help on his paper. He called me once, which was a surprise. I forgot what we talked about, but I remember smiling every time he talked to me or asked for my help. I guess you could say I’ve had a crush on him since the beginning.

Fast forward to 2016…It was just another Tuesday. Honestly, there was nothing special going on that day. No midterm or quiz. No lunch with a friend. Not even clouds in the sky. It was just a day full of lectures and endless note-taking. I never expected anything that day, but on my way back home I received a text from him asking me if I was free on Friday. Immediately, the thought of him asking me out popped in my head. I shrugged the idea off because I knew that it could never happen. How could it when we barely even talk throughout the years we’ve known each other?

Apparently, he liked me for a very long time since before my 18th birthday (I’m now 23). I knew he had an idea that I liked him because of the constant teasing, but I never knew he liked me back. We’ve only been together for 2 months when we had to end everything. I guess despite everything that has happened and how happy we both were, there’s just things that can’t be helped. What hurts is not losing him as a boyfriend, but losing him as really good friend..We’re now back to square one except this time I don’t even see him at gatherings anymore. If there are things I want to say it’s through this letter:

Dear Ex,

If you are reading this letter, then it means a part of you still cares. I just feel like there’s so much things left unsaid at least for me. When you told me you have no feelings for me anymore, it broke my heart. I pretended for weeks that I was fine with it, believing we can still be friends. But then you started avoiding me, stopped replying to my messages, even deleting me on Facebook and Instagram. It really hurt coz having you and loving you was the greatest thing I’ve had in a long time, but when we broke up, I hit time my all time low. I couldn’t eat or sleep because you were always on my mind. There was probably no nights where I didn’t cry because I miss you so much and I want you back.

Despite everything though, every moment we spent was all worth it. Thank you for loving me after all these years and reciprocating my love for you. Thank you for making me happy beyond words. Thank you for listening to my randomness and listening to me rant about Korea, which I know annoyed you most of the time. Thank you for the pop doll, the key chain, and the Teemo pin. Most of all thank you for the memories and the time we spent together. I’ve learned more about you than I did in 10 years. You are an amazing person and I hope you know that.

I also want to apologize for being insensitive and making you feel that I don’t care or love you sometimes. That was never my intention coz I really do care and love you with all my heart. I never thought I can love again (at least this soon), but you made it easy for me to trust you with my heart. I just didn’t expect it would hurt this much when we broke up hahaha. I’m sorry for leaving you at the pier, talking about other guys, and posting old pics on Instagram. I know it made you really mad and I’m so sorry again.

There are things I regret, but going on that date was never one of them. I always want what’s best for you and I want you to be happy (even if it means leaving me).

Love, 

Varbee

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